What’s your attachment style?

We all have our own distinct ways of bonding to other people, the way we relate, the way we interact and that is what attachment theory talks about- the different ways people bond.

Now, the formation of an attachment style goes way back to your childhood days, when you totally, absolutely depended on your caregivers to take care of your needs, both physical and the emotional ones. That is one sole reason why babyhood and the childhood days are known as ‘the formative years’ of your life. What happens in here, eventually forms the basis of your adulthood.

John Bowlby (1907–1990), a British psychotherapist, established the attachment theory in an attempt to comprehend the tremendous distress experienced by newborns who had been taken from their parents. From then on, four main styles of attachment are identified.

1. Secure Attachment

Individuals with secure attachment style feel comfortable expressing their feelings and emotional needs to the other in relationship. They feel like they can rely on their partner, and their partner, can rely on them. They communicate well on what bothers them and will put in efforts to deal with resolution of that very issue. This leaves room for growth, both on an individual and relational level.

Trust, an adaptive response to abandonment, and the sense that one is deserving of love define secure attachment.

During childhood, when the primary caregiver displays affection that is not situational, where the child feels free to make mistakes, explore the world, knowing that there is a place he can return to, it promotes a feeling of security and comfort. That is how a ‘secure attachment style’ is formed.

2. Anxious Avoidant

Those with anxious avoidant style, might have a tendency to portray themselves as more of ‘independent personalities’. If you often find yourself avoiding interactions which require a certain degree of emotional expression or intimate talks, there is a high possibility that you have an anxious avoidant attachment style. Finding it difficult to express yourself, avoiding getting ‘too close to people’, difficulty opening up or trusting people are all the characteristics of this attachment style.

An anxious avoidant style is formed when as a child, expressing yourself emotionally was always responded by discouragement. We all must have seen those parents, dismissive or punishing when it comes to addressing the child’s feelings of anxiety. These children soon learn to associate emotional expression with fear, rejection and punishment. They formulate an understanding that in order to avoid that fear, that rejection, they need to avoid emotions.

3. Anxious Ambivalent

Someone with an anxious ambivalent will be reluctant to intimacy. It’s usually characterized by the idea, or feeling that the other won’t reciprocate that affection and care. A person with this particular attachment style usually holds negative view of self and a positive world view for others. They might often be seen as the ones trying to ‘take care’ of the other in the relationship while disregarding their own needs. A person with an ambivalent attachment type is always seeking for evidence of love and affection. They are wary of people and want to validate the relationship by engaging in excessive conduct, which might backfire and alienate the other person.

An ambivalent attachment style develops as a result of a childhood in which love and affection were supplied inconsistently based on circumstances the kid did not comprehend. There is no security in the connection since the parent can leave or withdraw love and affection at any time.

4. Disorganized Attachment Style

People who have a disorganized attachment style have a great yearning for close connections, but they also build walls to prevent themselves from being wounded. Fear, distrust, and inner turmoil define this attachment type. They tend to be unpredictable and turbulent in relationships, may seem confused, act avoidant and reluctant. Disorganized attachment is characterized by high anxiety as well as high avoidance; it is essentially a hybrid of the avoidant attachment style and the ambivalent attachment type.

Disorganized attachment is assumed to be a result of childhood maltreatment and trauma. The parents of these kids frequently had unresolved attachment-related traumas, which caused them to exhibit either fearful or scary behaviors, leaving children confused or forcing them to rely on someone they were terrified of at the same time.

These are the four mainly identified attachment styles, and absolutely no worries if you identified with one of three anxious/ insecure type attachment. That is not to put labels on whom you might be, but an opportunity to gain an in-depth understanding of your self and your circumstances. With consistent work and efforts, it is possible to alter your attachment style. Determine your connection patterns, work on identifying and communicating your emotional needs, learn to appreciate, cherish, love, and care for yourself.

In the end, all insecure attachment types are persons who develop insecure relationships due to deeply held anxieties that their relationships would fail. Individual and couples therapy may be beneficial; a good therapist will assist you in delving into your attachment style, prior hurts, techniques to recognize, set appropriate boundaries, and foster a healthy connection.