The Inability to say NO- More than just people pleasing

‘ Why did I say yes when I should’ve said no?’. You must have felt the same in some point in your life. But what about when something like this frequently happens to you? Why is it that this is a similar story every time, like running in an endless loop. Unable to deny people at workplace, at home, even your own friend circle, what is it?
Complying to each and every request of those around you while ignoring your own needs can be draining and overwhelming would be an understatement. It can be physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting, least to say unhealthy. No doubt, it is important to help those around you, but after you’ve helped yourself, I cannot stress more but it is essential to tend to your needs first. Think first, are you having that much strength and time to offer to the other person or no. If it is, in any way, draining your emotional and physical resources, back off. A yes person, like you and me (yes, but I am learning), we have an urge to to say yes, to help, to be liked more, to please ( and feeling attacked by myself). But why? Why are we the ones to suffer at our own hands, what is the reason behind being a yes person?
Well, there can’t be a single reason, a combination of issues and experiences. We’ll have a look at them all.

1.The want to be liked by all

This is a simple one, and not something to hide from. Everybody wants to be liked by everybody, it is the basic instinct we humans have. To love and to be loved. But the problem is when the behaviour to please and be liked exceeds healthy boundaries. That is, when you start saying yes to people at the expense of your own well being. The truth is, not everybody is going to like you, so set your priorities straight. It is necessary to love yourself first and foremost, only then it is possible to reciprocate those feelings.

2.Lack of self esteem

The lack of self esteem can lead to you doing unimaginable things, just to get approval from others, validation from outside of your own. The lack of clarity, distorted self image, it is what makes you follow people and not your own self. The reason for low self esteem can be embedded in early childhood, past negative experiences, so never for once, think that you did this to yourself. You’ve still got it.

3.It is the ideas and values you hold

Helping others is never wrong, we are all taught this from the very early of our lives, and it is true, for the sense of fulfillment and gratification we are filled with is truly precious. But let’s add to that sentence today ‘Helping others is good, until within boundaries.’ This is what we should’ve been taught instead, complying to someone’s request should be within reason.

4.You feel it is your responsibility

Understand me here, being responsible is something very honourable, and where most people run from responibilities, you are very strong to be holding onto one. Being self centered is not the way to be, nor something I am encouraging you to be, the world is already stuffed with enough self-centeredness. For example, I am the eldest of the sibling, and so I feel it is my responsibility to tend to the needs of the younger ones when no one else does, and so, I end up covering more than I can handle and that often leads to burnout. So if you can relate to what I am saying here, what you can do is, to divide the tasks, and trust me, it is the best way to handle things.

So, to conclude, these might be the reasons you are a Yes- person and you face troubles in saying no. But this, does not, in any way reflects the idea that you are weak. It’s okay, some things exceeds healthy boundaries in life, so what! We build new and better ones. You have all the time in the world to work on a better you, and it’s never too late to start.
These were the reasons, we’ll discuss some other time what can you DO to bring a change in this particular behaviour, until then, stay tuned!